Shared pandemic-related fears offer us new opportunities to engage men in response to escalating domestic violence

By David Mandel

With widely held fears that domestic violence and child abuse and neglect rates are increasing during this period and the reduction of informal and formal supports for adult and child survivors, it becomes even more important than ever for us to find news strategies for addressing domestic violence. As always, we need to be heavily focused on how we can best provide support and safety options for adult and child survivors. At the same time, the current situation offers us a potential new angle of approach for outreach and engagement of men, especially in the area of domestic violence perpetration. Up until now, systems’ responses have focused primarily on how to work with men who choose violence and come to their attention through criminal justice. A criminal justice-centric response reinforces racial and economic disparities and limits our wider engagement of men, their family and friends and other professionals in the problem. In a few places like the United Kingdom and Australia, there have been other, more proactive efforts, like offering a men’s hotline focused on providing assistance to men who are already abusive or worried they might abuse. With families trapped in their homes, now is the time to increase our outreach efforts to men around a raft of issues including domestic violence, child abuse, substance use, mental health issues and even parenting. 

Historically, social services and family interventions have been more focused on women and children. The pandemic and the social distancing response may be offering us a unique moment in time to engage men who are in their homes with a new message. The unique, urgent and unusual nature of the moment may make more men open to this message. This idea is supported by an uptick in calls to existing hotlines for men. 

A new message would hit the following key points:

• This pandemic is very uncertain, scary and beyond anyone’s control. We are all facing dangers and fear like: Are we going to get sick? Are we going to have enough money to eat or to live? When is this going to end? When will life be “normal” again?
• Boys and men are told to be strong, not afraid, to be in control of the situation. 
• Feeling out of control like this may be particularly hard for men, especially if you are a dad and feel responsible for your entire family. 
• Feeling afraid, worried, depressed are normal responses to this current situation.
• What is not ok is: lashing out at your loved ones, abusing substances, hurting yourself, etc. 
• Everyone might need help and support during these times.
• Families stay healthier without violence and abuse. You can get help by calling (insert local services or hotline for men). 

A message like this is needed because we need to make sure perpetrators’ behaviors, not survivor choices, are being identified as the cause of domestic violence. The wider community and survivors need to hear that we are holding perpetrators accountable as a form of validation and support. We need to put these "tools of engagement" into the hands of professionals, friends and families who deal with men that choose violence and control. By implementing new engagement strategies for perpetrators in this context, we are adding to the toolkit for helping adult and child survivors.

Why might a message like this work right now:

• This message challenges the idea that a man can use the current situation to justify control. It specifically says it is not okay to use the current context to hurt and control others. 
• While many people wrongly conflate abuse with anger, the central emotional driver of coercive control is the avoidance of feelings of fear and anxiety: “By yelling, looking through your phone or attacking your friends’ character, I can try to control my own worries that you will leave me. I can avoid feeling impotent or ashamed if I can make it look like you're the bad one.” Speaking directly to fear and anxiety is speaking to one of the main elements of abuse.
• In normal times, men do not seek out help for their problems like anxiety, substance use or violence. This message uses the current context of a widely shared experience of anxiety and fear as an opportunity to engage a population that may not have been willing to talk about these problems in the past. The public acceptance of feeling afraid and out of control may make it easier for some men to reach out for help. 
• A campaign like this, directed to perpetrators of violence, would provide support and validation to survivors (adult and child). In our work, survivors benefit emotionally and potentially through a change of behavior when the entire family receives the clear message that there is no excuse for coercive control and violence - even now. 

This message can be communicated through multiple channels including:

• Public health campaigns
• Helplines - all types - mental health, substance abuse, suicide, domestic abuse
• By family, friends, neighbors or communities 
• By professionals - to perpetrators, survivors and children

Each of these messaging channels can help provide useful guidance to those who want to help combat domestic violence. Family and friends may know about the abuse but not know how to broach the subject. Professionals working on helplines can use this approach with callers for different issues. Child welfare workers, either statutory or voluntary, need an approach and language to use when they are talking to families together. This type of language can be used in multiple settings. 

A public health campaign tied to a hotline number may be one of the best and fastest ways to impact the problem. As a thought experiment, envision the potential for this message by imagining your favorite male athlete reading this script in a video:

“Many men have been told to be strong, to conquer their fears, be independent and look out for others. To be strong and silent. I know I was taught that by people I loved and cared about. Even in the best of times, these attitudes might not be healthy for men or for their loved ones. Right now, the uncertainty and danger in the current situation means fear, anxiety are all normal, healthy responses. If you are dad, you are likely worried for your children, feeling the weight of financial instability and the concern that one of them or you or your partner might get sick. It’s okay to feel those feelings and to talk about them. What’s not okay is taking out your fear and anxiety on others. Lashing out, trying to control every move your family members make or drinking too much are not ok. It’s okay to reach out for help. Call X if you are worried about hurting someone else or yourself, if you are drinking more, or if you feel overwhelmed. Call X if you find yourself verbally being mean or are scaring others with your behavior. Call X if you feel like you can’t be the parent or partner you want to be. There is help. You can still be the parent and partner your family deserves. Families are healthier without abuse.”

If this kind of message was sent out and backed up with resources to help men, we may be able to reduce levels of violence and prevent new abuse from emerging. This could do a lot right now to help women and children be safer and healthier in their own homes.